I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC. They have a baby every time. I feel like there hasn’t been any character development…
The International Cycling Union has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling for life. The ban includes tours, triathlons, and teaching spin classes.
Clark Kent has left The Daily Planet. He’s now applying for a job at the Huffington Post.
Kelly Clarkson switched her vote to Obama because he’s a “great guy.” He also has great eyes, loves sushi, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
The U.S. Navy expects ships to be equipped with laser cannons in just two years. No word yet on when they’ll find those droids they were looking for.
Emma Watson is heading back to Brown this year. Said Watson, “I’m excited to find out who’s teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.”
Nicholas Cage will star in a remake of the “Left Behind” series. Film experts are calling it the “first sign of the apocalypse.”
Kris Jenner posted a picture on Instagram, complete with nip-slip. The photo hastened the introduction of Facebook’s “Do Not Want” button.
In an attempt to revive the faith, the Pope had named 7 new saints. Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Gaga.
95% of phrases beginning with “It’s true, what they say” are followed by something you don’t want to hear.
Jeff Goldblum is now doing ads for PayPal. It’s now the number one way to request reimbursement for Jurassic Park 2 tickets.
Texas State Fair lost their icon Big Tex, a 52-foot cowboy, in a fire. This leaves the state without it’s last line of Godzilla defense.
Tim Tebow has trademarked the term “Tebowing.” Fans have raised the question, “Is that what Jesus would do?”
The NBA has instated a 90 second time limit on pregame handshakes. Officials reassured the full handshake will still be required to enter the post game treehouse.
A man hired a woman to slap him every time he logged on to Facebook. The move is likely to inspire a new trend with “50 Shades of FarmVille.”
Today is the first day of PSAT testing. In other words, a test where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.
A poll shows parents would rather have Obama watch their kids which means if Obama loses the election, he won’t add to the jobless rate.
The Rolling Stones announced their 50th anniversary tour. It will unite old and young fans with people who want to watch someone die on stage.
Both Nike and Anheuser-Busch have dropped Lance Armstrong as a sponsor, proving any move to stay with the cyclist is ballsy.
General Mills will cut sugar and salt from its breakfast cereals, so keep an eye out for Nut Cheerios, Toast Crunch, and Unlucky Charms.