Jokes for the Week of 10/22

I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC. They have a baby every time. I feel like there hasn’t been any character development…

The International Cycling Union has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling for life. The ban includes tours, triathlons, and teaching spin classes.

Clark Kent has left The Daily Planet. He’s now applying for a job at the Huffington Post.

Kelly Clarkson switched her vote to Obama because he’s a “great guy.” He also has great eyes, loves sushi, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

The U.S. Navy expects ships to be equipped with laser cannons in just two years. No word yet on when they’ll find those droids they were looking for.

Emma Watson is heading back to Brown this year. Said Watson, “I’m excited to find out who’s teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

Nicholas Cage will star in a remake of the “Left Behind” series. Film experts are calling it the “first sign of the apocalypse.”

Kris Jenner posted a picture on Instagram, complete with nip-slip. The photo hastened the introduction of Facebook’s “Do Not Want” button.

In an attempt to revive the faith, the Pope had named 7 new saints. Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Gaga.

95% of phrases beginning with “It’s true, what they say” are followed by something you don’t want to hear.

Jeff Goldblum is now doing ads for PayPal. It’s now the number one way to request reimbursement for Jurassic Park 2 tickets.