I wrote some of this!
I wrote and helped shoot this one.
‘Twas the night before Rapture and all through the land; We hoped that the Mayans were wrong on their plan.
For some people said it would be over soon.
Many of us hope they’d just run out of room.
With holiday greetings still stacked on the shelves; We hoped to see light at the end of Two Thousand and Twelve.
With cable news glowing, lights upon the Christmas tree.
We tentatively watched and thought, “Well, I guess we’ll see.”
But everything became boring, no word of mass dead. I thought, ‘Geez, forget this. I’m going to bed.”
I shuffled upstairs and I turned out the light.
Too exhausted to think this could be my last night.
So many ways to go, zombie, asteroid, or drought.
I’m going to sleep, you guys figure it out.
For you see, if tomorrow, the world begins splitting.
You can bet bet the doomsday preppers are the first people I’m hitting.
Papa John’s will be cutting hours due to projected ObamaCare costs. It was either that or downgrade to “Cheaper ingredients,cheaper pizza.”
Yahoo’s fantasy football website broke down today, leaving fantasy football players stuck playing their level 5 mages.
CIA Director Petraeus resigned due to an extra marital affair. If he worked in the British Secret Service, he would have been promoted to 007.
Gasoline rationing has continued in New York City. In a related story, New York City Prius owners are emitting a record amount of smug.
A 64-year-old Florida man tried to shoot his horse and missed while riding it drunk. In related news, the broad side of the barn can rest easy.
A British zoo is offering a program where tourists can swim with tigers. This replaces the much less popular program “Swim with the Yankees.”
Lindsay Lohan recently said the cops are out to get her. The cops responded “Any info of Lohan’s whereabouts can be reported to her dedicated hotline.”
Carrie Fisher told interviewers she wants to be in the new Star Wars. Just what we need; the return of the Sith.
Officials asked news media to stop calling hurricanes superstorms. Official classifications are Category 3, Category 2, and Holy Shit, Wake Up Grandma.
The only reason people make fun of Snuggies is because they’re jealous they didn’t think of it. That and they make you look like a klansman.
A New Zealand scientist was banned from referring to ancient humanoids as “hobbits.” The decision affects all archaeologists, making it one ban to rule them all.
Thousands of rats displaced by Sandy are taking to the streets of NYC. There hasn’t been this big of a rodent exodus since Fievel went West.
A new study shows that LA porn stars have more STDs than Nevada prostitutes. It just goes to show that some things really do stay in Vegas.
Starbucks plans to accelerate growth in 2013. Instead of a Starbucks on every corner, there will be a Starbucks in every home.
Philadelphia 76er’s revealed a t-shirt cannon that shoots 100 t-shirts a minute. This move is just another escalation in the NBA arms race.
I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC. They have a baby every time. I feel like there hasn’t been any character development…
The International Cycling Union has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling for life. The ban includes tours, triathlons, and teaching spin classes.
Clark Kent has left The Daily Planet. He’s now applying for a job at the Huffington Post.
Kelly Clarkson switched her vote to Obama because he’s a “great guy.” He also has great eyes, loves sushi, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
The U.S. Navy expects ships to be equipped with laser cannons in just two years. No word yet on when they’ll find those droids they were looking for.
Emma Watson is heading back to Brown this year. Said Watson, “I’m excited to find out who’s teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.”
Nicholas Cage will star in a remake of the “Left Behind” series. Film experts are calling it the “first sign of the apocalypse.”
Kris Jenner posted a picture on Instagram, complete with nip-slip. The photo hastened the introduction of Facebook’s “Do Not Want” button.
In an attempt to revive the faith, the Pope had named 7 new saints. Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Gaga.
95% of phrases beginning with “It’s true, what they say” are followed by something you don’t want to hear.
Jeff Goldblum is now doing ads for PayPal. It’s now the number one way to request reimbursement for Jurassic Park 2 tickets.