Jokes for the Week of 11/5

Papa John’s will be cutting hours due to projected ObamaCare costs. It was either that or downgrade to “Cheaper ingredients,cheaper pizza.”

Yahoo’s fantasy football website broke down today, leaving fantasy football players stuck playing their level 5 mages.

CIA Director Petraeus resigned due to an extra marital affair. If he worked in the British Secret Service, he would have been promoted to 007.

Gasoline rationing has continued in New York City. In a related story, New York City Prius owners are emitting a record amount of smug.

A 64-year-old Florida man tried to shoot his horse and missed while riding it drunk. In related news, the broad side of the barn can rest easy.

A British zoo is offering a program where tourists can swim with tigers. This replaces the much less popular program “Swim with the Yankees.”

Lindsay Lohan recently said the cops are out to get her. The cops responded “Any info of Lohan’s whereabouts can be reported to her dedicated hotline.”

Carrie Fisher told interviewers she wants to be in the new Star Wars. Just what we need; the return of the Sith.

Officials asked news media to stop calling hurricanes superstorms. Official classifications are Category 3, Category 2, and Holy Shit, Wake Up Grandma.

The only reason people make fun of Snuggies is because they’re jealous they didn’t think of it. That and they make you look like a klansman.

A New Zealand scientist was banned from referring to ancient humanoids as “hobbits.” The decision affects all archaeologists, making it one ban to rule them all.

Thousands of rats displaced by Sandy are taking to the streets of NYC. There hasn’t been this big of a rodent exodus since Fievel went West.

A new study shows that LA porn stars have more STDs than Nevada prostitutes. It just goes to show that some things really do stay in Vegas.

Starbucks plans to accelerate growth in 2013. Instead of a Starbucks on every corner, there will be a Starbucks in every home.

Philadelphia 76er’s revealed a t-shirt cannon that shoots 100 t-shirts a minute. This move is just another escalation in the NBA arms race.