Philosophy, Psychology, Nerdisms, Writing from the Trenches

Posts tagged “jokes

TMI Minute Episode 6 | Somali Pirates vs. Britney Spears

Why do I keep posting these? Because I write it! Don’t miss the TMI Minute every Tuesday!

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Newsworthy News of Newsworthy Importance

I realized that I didn’t really talk about this on the Interwebz, and part of the reason is because I wanted to tell people in person. I mean, there’s something impersonal about reading it on a blog. But, since everyone’s doing their yearly recap, this is bound to get lost in that shuffle.

I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you in person, but everyone I’ve wanted to tell face-to-face I’ve told face-to-face unless I’m not going to see them in the foreseeable future, so here it goes.

I’m a working writer.

Not in the “I’ve gotten a rejection letter” sense. That happened, like, eight years ago. No, I’m a working writer in the sense that my words are being performed.

If you missed the Facebook announcement, I am a staff writer for TMI: Hollywood, a show on stage at Second City Hollywood. I’m also a contributing writer to Top Story! Weekly which is a show at the iO West Theater in Hollywood.

I owe a big thanks to Candace Haven. One night, in her swank Beverly Hills Hotel penthouse (where people make promises they intend on keeping), she forced me to make a list of goals with a deadline attached to them. One I made was to be in a writers’ room by January and I was in a writers’ room by October.

So, that’s the news from this side of the desk. I will be writing the pilot episode of my sitcom and possibly staging it within the next four months, so that should be fun. Maybe some of that will end up here.

I was never a fan of the word “aspiring,” but, regardless, I can dump it now. Also, I’m not really an “author,” so I’ll go with “Comedy Writer.”

Go Theater Nerds!


Jokes for the Week of 11/5

Papa John’s will be cutting hours due to projected ObamaCare costs. It was either that or downgrade to “Cheaper ingredients,cheaper pizza.”

Yahoo’s fantasy football website broke down today, leaving fantasy football players stuck playing their level 5 mages.

CIA Director Petraeus resigned due to an extra marital affair. If he worked in the British Secret Service, he would have been promoted to 007.

Gasoline rationing has continued in New York City. In a related story, New York City Prius owners are emitting a record amount of smug.

A 64-year-old Florida man tried to shoot his horse and missed while riding it drunk. In related news, the broad side of the barn can rest easy.

A British zoo is offering a program where tourists can swim with tigers. This replaces the much less popular program “Swim with the Yankees.”

Lindsay Lohan recently said the cops are out to get her. The cops responded “Any info of Lohan’s whereabouts can be reported to her dedicated hotline.”

Carrie Fisher told interviewers she wants to be in the new Star Wars. Just what we need; the return of the Sith.

Officials asked news media to stop calling hurricanes superstorms. Official classifications are Category 3, Category 2, and Holy Shit, Wake Up Grandma.

The only reason people make fun of Snuggies is because they’re jealous they didn’t think of it. That and they make you look like a klansman.

A New Zealand scientist was banned from referring to ancient humanoids as “hobbits.” The decision affects all archaeologists, making it one ban to rule them all.

Thousands of rats displaced by Sandy are taking to the streets of NYC. There hasn’t been this big of a rodent exodus since Fievel went West.

A new study shows that LA porn stars have more STDs than Nevada prostitutes. It just goes to show that some things really do stay in Vegas.

Starbucks plans to accelerate growth in 2013. Instead of a Starbucks on every corner, there will be a Starbucks in every home.

Philadelphia 76er’s revealed a t-shirt cannon that shoots 100 t-shirts a minute. This move is just another escalation in the NBA arms race.


Jokes for the Week of 10/22

I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC. They have a baby every time. I feel like there hasn’t been any character development…

The International Cycling Union has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling for life. The ban includes tours, triathlons, and teaching spin classes.

Clark Kent has left The Daily Planet. He’s now applying for a job at the Huffington Post.

Kelly Clarkson switched her vote to Obama because he’s a “great guy.” He also has great eyes, loves sushi, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

The U.S. Navy expects ships to be equipped with laser cannons in just two years. No word yet on when they’ll find those droids they were looking for.

Emma Watson is heading back to Brown this year. Said Watson, “I’m excited to find out who’s teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

Nicholas Cage will star in a remake of the “Left Behind” series. Film experts are calling it the “first sign of the apocalypse.”

Kris Jenner posted a picture on Instagram, complete with nip-slip. The photo hastened the introduction of Facebook’s “Do Not Want” button.

In an attempt to revive the faith, the Pope had named 7 new saints. Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Gaga.

95% of phrases beginning with “It’s true, what they say” are followed by something you don’t want to hear.

Jeff Goldblum is now doing ads for PayPal. It’s now the number one way to request reimbursement for Jurassic Park 2 tickets.


Jokes for the Week of 10/15

Texas State Fair lost their icon Big Tex, a 52-foot cowboy, in a fire. This leaves the state without it’s last line of Godzilla defense.

Tim Tebow has trademarked the term “Tebowing.” Fans have raised the question, “Is that what Jesus would do?”

The NBA has instated a 90 second time limit on pregame handshakes. Officials reassured the full handshake will still be required to enter the post game treehouse.

A man hired a woman to slap him every time he logged on to Facebook. The move is likely to inspire a new trend with “50 Shades of FarmVille.”

Today is the first day of PSAT testing. In other words, a test where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.

A poll shows parents would rather have Obama watch their kids which means if Obama loses the election, he won’t add to the jobless rate.

The Rolling Stones announced their 50th anniversary tour. It will unite old and young fans with people who want to watch someone die on stage.

Both Nike and Anheuser-Busch have dropped Lance Armstrong as a sponsor, proving any move to stay with the cyclist is ballsy.

General Mills will cut sugar and salt from its breakfast cereals, so keep an eye out for Nut Cheerios, Toast Crunch, and Unlucky Charms.


Second City Homework

Okay, so I had to write ten jokes. Here they are, in all their (non) glory. Let me know if you like any of them.

  • A new button has surfaced at the Democratic National Convention, Hipsters for Obama. That’s a change from supporting that candidate you’ve never heard of.
  • Canada has launched a new digital currency called the MintChip. No word yet on the other 31 flavors.
  • The Democrats have brought in Kal Penn to do the rebuttal to Clint Eastwood’s RNC speech. Penn aimed his remarks at an empty bong.
  • This week was the first annual cat video film festival. Everything was going great until the closing ceremony, when someone snuck in a laser pointer.
  • Wyoming has taken its grey wolf population off the endangered list which is terrible news for the Wyoming Lannister population.
  • Last year, Obama ran on the Change campaign slogan. This year it’s “Change. Spare change?”
  • Hurricane Isaac washes up 18,000 dead swamp rats. Honey Boo Boo commented with “Them good eatin’ right thur.”
  • Snooki released her first photos with her newborn son, Lorenzo. You can find his new cologne at Babys R’ Us and Macy’s.
  • Turns out the speakers at the Democratic National Convention mischaracterized on their speeches. That’s what you get when you use Joe Biden as your factchecker.
  • Fantasy Football season has started. It’s a perfect time for fantasy football players to pretend they aren’t roleplaying.